


What Does She Know?

by Kate04



Category: Star Trek: Voyager
Genre: F/M
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2014-04-05
Updated: 2014-04-05
Packaged: 2018-01-18 07:44:40
Rating: Teen And Up Audiences
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 1
Words: 2,067
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/1420132
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/Kate04/pseuds/Kate04
Summary: <blockquote class="userstuff">
              <p>A few weeks into their journey Kathryn stops to think about the consequences of being stranded in the Delta Quadrant.</p>
            </blockquote>





	What Does She Know?

**Author's Note:**

> Disclaimer: Voyager and its characters are owned by CBS Studios Inc. You'll get them back as soon as I'm finished playing.
> 
> Author's Note: This story is for CoriMariee. Happy Birthday, hun!
> 
> A big 'thank you' to JoAryn for her beta service!

 

> _Whenever evil befalls us,_
> 
> _we ought to ask ourselves,_
> 
> _after the first suffering,_
> 
> _how we can turn it into good._
> 
> _So shall we take occasion,_
> 
> _from one bitter root,_
> 
> _to raise perhaps many flowers._
> 
>  - Leigh Hunt
> 
>  

_What does she know about loss? For those ’fleet brats the mission is all that matters._

The words repeated in her mind over and over again. Kathryn hadn’t meant to eavesdrop on Ayala and Dalby, but as she heard the men talk about her, she couldn’t help it. Until today, she hadn’t had any time to really think about their situation and what it would mean for her personally.  
For the next few decades, she would be the captain of the only Starfleet vessel in the Delta Quadrant. She would never see her mother again and her fiance would have moved on long before they reached home.

Mark. The thought of him brought tears to her eyes and she struggled to suppress them. It would not do for the captain to cry in engineering. Turning, she rushed back out of the door before anyone noticed her.

Hurrying down the corridor without taking notice of anyone or anything she passed, Kathryn was assaulted by images.  
The last conversation she’d had with Mark, about her sweet Molly.  
The day she had left for DS9 and the night before, when they had made love.  
The farewell dinner he had cooked for her, which had been left untouched, because they had not been able to keep their hands off one another.  
His disappointment when she had told him about this mission which was only two months before their wedding.  
The night he had proposed to her over a romantic candle-lit dinner. She had been so very happy.

Kathryn sighed in relief when the lift doors finally closed behind her, giving her a few moments of privacy and she closed her eyes against the flood of tears that still threatened to fall.

_What does she know about loss?_ The hostility with which the words had been spoken stung just as much as the words themselves and Kathryn found herself getting angry at Ayala. What did he know about her? How dare he judge her like that? She had lost just as much as anyone else on this ship when they had been pulled into the Delta Quadrant.  
Just as she had found happiness again, it had been taken away from her. This was the story of her life. Too many times had she loved only to end up hurt and lonely.

She thought of Cheb and the way he had hurt her with his brutal rejection, of Justin and how he had helped her through her experience with the Cardassians, stealing her heart in the process. She remembered the day he had died, only weeks before their wedding. When she had thought that she would never love again, Mark had stepped into her life, helping her recover and very slowly and patiently teaching her to open her heart again.

_What does she know about loss?_ A bitter laugh tore from her throat, turning into a stifled sob, just as the turbolift halted and the doors opened to admit her newly appointed first officer. His attention was captured by the PADD he held in his hand and he only briefly raised his gaze to acknowledge her presence.

Kathryn stared at the doors, keeping her raging emotions off her face with the last bit of strength left inside her. _Only four more decks_ , she told herself just as the lift came to an all too sudden stop. The jolt took her off-guard and she was thrown against the wall, hitting her head. Her yelp made Chakotay move to her side instantly.

“Captain, are you all right.”

She gingerly touched the back of her head and, finding her skull intact, she nodded, winching at the pain this sudden movement caused.

“Yes, I’m fine. It’s only a bruise.” Her reply was harsher than she had intended, but being stuck in a turbolift was the last thing Kathryn needed. Slapping her combadge, she hailed engineering.

“Lieutenant, Commander Chakotay and I are stuck in one of the turbolifts. What’s going on down there?”

Lieutenant Torres sounded out of breath as she replied. “I’m sorry, Captain. Several relays blew out on Deck 6. Turbolifts, transporters and internal sensors are off-line. I’m on my way to replace them right now. We’ll get you out of there within the next 30 minutes.”

“Thank you, Lieutenant. Keep us informed. Janeway out.”

Kathryn sighed as she slid down the wall to sit on the floor as far away from her first officer as possible. Leaning her head against the wall carefully, she closed her eyes in an attempt to clear her mind.

As the sharp pain dulled to a soft throb, her thoughts returned to Mark. She hadn’t even told him how much she loved him as she had rushed through her last minute preparations. She remembered how annoyed she had been when he had tried to help her. If only she had known that she would not see him again for a very long time.

Kathryn swallowed hard and placed a cold hand on her forehead. She should have known that Chakotay would notice.

“Are you sure that you’re all right?” Concern was evident in his voice.

“Yes, I’m fine. A little tired, that’s all.” He seemed to accept her words for the moment and they continued to sit in silence, but Chakotay kept staring at her, obviously trying to find out if she really wasn’t hurt. When his scrutiny and the silence became unbearable, Kathryn looked at the PADD he still held in his hands.

“Are you reading anything interesting?” It was lame, but she needed to take her mind off her depressing thoughts.

“Not really. It’s just some notes I took on crewmen who need special attention.” At her raised eyebrow he continued.

“Some of the former Maquis are having trouble adjusting. They have never been away from their families and loved ones for such a long time. We only had a few supply bases, which meant that they saw them often. They’re not as used to these long missions as the Starfleet crew.”

His words felt almost like a physical blow and she gritted her teeth against the pain they caused. Kathryn closed her eyes, fighting hard to regain control over her emotions before Chakotay noticed anything.

“Captain?”

Obviously, she had not been successful in hiding her state of mind from him. He scooted over to where she sat and when she did not react, he gently touched her wrist with a warm hand. Her first impulse was to pull away and reprimand him for this inappropriate gesture, but she had to admit that the contact felt good.

“Captain, what’s wrong?” The concern in his voice grew and Kathryn knew that she would have to face him. When she felt that she had herself under control again, she opened her eyes, but did not look at him.

“It’s nothing. I’m fine.”  She hoped that her voice didn’t sound as strained to him as it did to her.

“I have obviously said something to hurt you and I’m sorry. It wasn’t my intention. Please tell me what’s wrong.”

Kathryn wanted to tell him to mind his own business. She wanted to lash out at him for intruding when she needed to be alone. She wanted to dump all her hurt and anger on him in one violent outburst.

Her head whipped around, fiery eyes landing on him, her lips ready to spill hurtful words. His gentle eyes and openly compassionate expression gave her pause, though. Closing her mouth, she considered him for a long moment, before she slowly let the tension seep out of her body. He did not deserve her wrath. This mess was not his fault and he had not intentionally hurt her with his words. Under normal circumstances she would never have reacted this way and he had no way of knowing what had happened in engineering earlier.  
Sighing heavily, she leaned her head back against the wall, her eyes resting on the gray ceiling of the turbolift.

“I guess it’s the stress of the last few weeks catching up with me. On top of that…” Kathryn hesitated, not sure if it would be appropriate for her to share her personal problems with him. Chakotay gave her wrist a light, encouraging squeeze and Kathryn turned her head to look at him. Startled, she realised that she trusted him with this information. During the weeks they had spent in the Delta Quadrant they had developed a connection that she would never have thought possible. Out here he was probably the only person she could talk to.

“Today would have been my wedding day.”  Her voice was barely audible and a single tear rolled down her cheek before she had a chance to stop it.

His hand still resting on her arm, Chakotay leaned back against the wall and fixed his gaze on the far wall to give her some privacy.

“I’m sorry. What I said earlier was very insensitive. Of course being stranded out here is just as difficult for the ‘fleeters among the crew and it must be so much harder for you.”

Regret was etched on his face and Kathryn tried a weak smile.

“It’s ok, I’ll be fine. It has just been a bit much lately and there was no time to come to terms with what happened.”

Kathryn was surprised at how good it felt to finally talk about this.

“I know what you’re talking about. These last few weeks have been rather turbulent.” She snorted at his understatement, a real smile tugging at her lips this time.

“That’s putting it mildly. I just hope things won’t be like this for the next 70 years.”

He threw her a tortured look, before his expression turned serious again.

“Maybe a vision quest would help you deal with the situation. It always gives me peace and helps to put things into perspective.”

Thinking about the warm, sunny beach and the little lizard she had encountered during her last vision quest, Kathryn felt an unusual longing for this place, but she was uncertain if she would be able to do it on her own.

“I can help you contact your spirit guide, if you want.” he offered, sensing her hesitation.

Kathryn patted his arm, smiling up at his kind eyes.

“I’d like that. Thank you.”

Just as he wanted to answer, Lieutenant Torres’ voice interrupted him.

“Torres to Janeway.”

“Go ahead, Lieutenant.”

“The relays are replaced and we’re about to get the systems back online. You’ll be out of there in a minute.”  The young woman sounded relieved at solving the problem faster than she had anticipated.

“Thank you for the update. Janeway out.”

Rising from the floor, Kathryn had to grab Chakotay’s arm for support as the lift resumed its upward movement with a jolt. As soon as she had regained her balance, she let go of his arm, smiling apologetically.

Arriving on Deck 3, they walked towards their quarters in silence. When they reached his door, Kathryn stopped, staring at the floor for a moment, before she met his eyes.

“Do you have any plans for tonight?”

Chakotay turned back from his door to face her, a delighted grin on his lips.

“I have a date with a few PADDs, but I’m sure they can wait. Did you want to do a vision quest?”

“If you wouldn’t mind, I’d like to try again.” She was still uncertain about how far she should allow him into her life outside of duty, but she was really eager to contact her spirit guide without being interrupted.

“Just give me five minutes to change, okay?” he offered, as he keyed in his door code.

“Make it 30 minutes and I’ll prepare some dinner.” The words had been out of her mouth before she’d had time to think and she half expected him to decline.

“Sounds good. I’ll bring the wine.” He smiled at her over his shoulder as he stepped into his quarters.

Walking the rest of the way to her own quarters, Kathryn thought that even without the vision quest, she felt much better already. It looked like she had found a new friend. If she didn’t poison him tonight, that was.

 


End file.
